The Administration has charged one of its own once again with the task of writing this week’s episode of #Hashtagfairytales. I am the head comedy contributor for #HTFT and am responsible for many of the jokes that you see here from week to week. To be honest with you, though I am the head writer for comedy, I am not one of many words. That creative fella from last week is big on elegant words (not so much on humor), and Jacob C. Howard will often make my jokes into long drawn out stories (which often flop), but I’m more of a one-liner type of guy.
For this reason, I have been #trolling the internet to find material from which to build quality comedy just for you #hashheads since the beginning of #Hashtagfairytales. I will be using this skill to build for you a #topten list; not a Jacob C. Howard Tor Ten List that has a paragraph of explanation for each item, but a real #topten list. This week: #Britannica!
So here we go, the top ten responses to Encyclopedia Britannica ending the print editions!
10. “They are giving up? Now THAT I can relate to!” –Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin
9. “I didn’t even catch their 2 hour press conference.” –Lebron James
8. “Good. Britannica was the Goldman Sachs of Encyclopedias!” –Greg Smith
7. “They’re probably going to re-release print editions as the ‘Lin-cyclopedia Britannica!’” –Jeremy Lin
6. “What will I read for bedtime now?” –Congressman Ron Paul
5. “Oh, so it was like Google but in book form?” –Justin Beiber
4. “Guess all 3 of the people who still used them are on their way here now.” –Wikipedia
3. “That’s hot.” –Paris Hilton
2. “F***in’ Paris Hilton! That’s what’s wrong with today’s culture!” –Jon Hamm
1. “If Snooki is in the business of writing books, then we want out!” –Encyclopedia Britannica
Thank you Encyclopedia Britannica, you will be missed!
(Top Ten and no chasers! No Frills, just thrills! Sorry Jacob C. Howard, I’d say The Administration wins this round. Wouldn’t you?)
I found this great new TV show! It’s really funny and I hope I can recommend it to you all. There are a few interesting main characters; #fiveguys (not related to the delicious East coast-based restaurant chain): First there’s the good little boy who is geeky and essentially unpopular, he seems like the safe guy, but this guy has a few shining moments if you watch closely enough. Then there’s the jock, he’s burly, fairly good looking and is just about “getting’ things done;” you’re only watching him hoping he puts his foot in his mouth (I think he quit the show recently).
Then you’ve got the guy who’s popular but no one really knows why; sure he’s the most handsome of the group, but there’s not a whole lot of substance; truly HE is the safe guy. Then there’s the tried and true guy who no one listens too; he’s been around so long it’s like his voice is white noise. Lastly, there is the older guy of the crew who could give a damn what anyone else thinks, he is who he is and he says what he wants, what he says might offend worse than the jock, difference is: he doesn’t care!
That’s right, this week on #Hashtagfairytales we are talking about the Republican Presidential primary debates. The five guys are—in order—Senator Rick Santorum, Governor Rick Perry, Governor Mitt Romney, Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and Congressman Ron Paul. These guys are just fun to watch! Let me say up front two things: first, this criticism comes from a registered voter. This is important. If you are of voting age and are not registered to vote, you may not complain; it is just that plain and simple. Second, I am non-partisan. If the platform is correct and the atmosphere and the core of our nation could thrive with any candidate, that one gets my vote. I agree with the Democrats on some things, and with the Republicans on some others. I think voting only along party lines is dangerous as “group-think” gets us nowhere; so this criticism comes not from a cynic, but from a voter looking for answers.
Having said that, these guys are friggin’ ridiculous. At this particular point I can’t see any of these guys beating the incumbent, President Obama. This past Thursday, Obama sang a line from an Al Green song on stage at the Apollo theater! This is real f’n life man, who has #presidentialswagger like that? Mitt Romney? Nope. Newt Gingrich? Certainly not! Any of these guys who don’t get the nomination could have a great career in comedy. Rick Perry could play himself on an episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Rick Santorum could get a show on Fox News…it worked for Mike Huckabee. Come with me #hashheads as we explore each of these #fiveguys.
#Saintorum- That’s not a misspelling, this guy is a saint. He’s nice enough anyway. That isn’t to say he hasn’t gone on his share of attacks, but he’s just so clean cut! Rick Santorum is like the Anthony Michael Hall of the Republicans. I don’t mean Dead Zone star, Dark Knight cameo, “cool” #AMH, I’m talking #JohnHughes era, retainer wearing, “panty-raiding,” #AMH! Not that Santorum goes on panty-raids, but you get the picture. He’s nice, he’s safe, he’s blah. I have to commend him for going this far, I used to be on his email mailing list and some of the stuff seemed desperate, but he is doing good work so far. A run-off between he and Obama would be Chocolate vs. Vanilla taken to its extreme end. Santorum, thanks for showing up; it turns out you won Iowa, and you’ve got lots of evangelicals behind you, but I’m not sure about candidacy.
#Perrymore- Rick Perry. This good ol’ boy dropped out of the race as of this past Thursday. I miss him already, the debates aren’t the same without him! I mean I don’t miss him as much as Pokemon quoting, Mr. 9-9-9 himself: Herman Cain, but I miss him. Texas is like a whole different world; it has its own culture. Perry wasn’t really “southern,” or “western,” or anything. He was balls-to-the-wall Governor Rick “I don’t care if I mess up a guy’s name or if I sound intoxicated on camera cuz I’m from the great state of Texas” Perry. When Perry dropped out he gave his endorsement to Newt Gingrich. Dropping out and endorsing is an interesting concept I think, “I know you won’t really vote for me because you don’t agree with all of my opinions, but my opinion is that you should vote for that guy!” Good call Governor; best of luck in your future endeavors (#JohnLaurinaitis)!
#Mittens- Mitt is not Romneys first name, it’s Willard; but a recent poll showed that some Americans actually thought Mitt was simply short for Mittens. Mittens Romney. I’d go with it. It’s the only thing interesting about the guy, other than his magical Mormon underbreeches! One of the main things that I think hurts Mitt (that even hurt him in 2008) is his Mormon faith. The Republican party has many Evangelical Christians that are a bit uncomfortable with Mormonism. Romney is pretty plain himself though, this guy is really just as plain as Santorum at his core, but he has a little bit more personality. He’s got the look, the smile, and the questionably attained money; sounds like a President to me.
#EyeofNewt- Too easy to make a “You’re a mean one Mr. Gingrinch*” joke, so I’ll steer clear. This man is a long-standing Republican. A True Republican, and in many polls he is 4th. Figures, you give the people what they truly do want and they think they want someone else (I’m looking at you #Barabbas?) (#newtestamenthumor). If I were a Republican this is the guy I would want. At Thursdays debate, John King Lit a fire under him at the beginning and I think he handled it with prowess and grace. He has been a steady, tried and true pillar in the Republican Party for decades and I don’t think he gets the credit he deserves—mainly because he says offensive things and is generally out of touch with real humans—but he is a good Republican any old way! He’s funny looking, has a weird name, has always been largely unpopular, looks a bit like the Republican mascot, but he says good things.
*spelled this way on purpose
#Paulbearer- This is not a reference to the #oldschool wrestling manager character, but is a reference to Ron Paul being old. I of course wish him the best of health and I pray that I am as spry as he when I am 76, but he is old! That guy doesn’t care anymore, he’s paid his dues. Unabashed and unashamed; I wish I could carry a mini Ron Paul with me wherever I go. I assume most of these debates are past his bed time which is why he often comes across as impatient, cranky, and unaware of his general current surroundings. Ron Paul is to politics what Bernie Mac was to comedy; they say the extreme things that many people think but are too afraid to say. If the McCain/Obama election was about age versus youth, imagine what an Obama/Paul race would look like. Ronnie would be 77 at election time; he’s great, but not exactly the poster child for new hotness (#MIB).
Friends, I have to say this: no matter affiliations, morals, or policies, if I had the chance, I would buy a Newt Gingrich AND a Ron Paul bobblehead doll; I had to get that off my chest! I am not taking a political stance and am definitely not telling you who to vote for in November—plus, I’m sure we’ll talk more about this down the line—I just want you to take a real look at the #fiveguys (four now). Scrutinize their policies, defend their beliefs, make fun of their responses, write a blog about their redeeming qualities, hoist the sails, batten down the hatches, it’s all up to you! If you haven’t, register to vote; and if you haven’t, take an interest.
(Seriously, if you know where to get a two-pack Gingrich/Paul bobblehead, I’m in!)